Whenever it comes to Summer time, I start to get this overwhelming feeling of confusion. I always feel lost to some extent. I don’t have anything to focus my mind on, just free time to do whatever I please. During periods of time where I felt low or down, feeling lost often led to feeling sad and I would become overshadowed by a dark cloud of anxiety as to who I was, resulting in me shutting off from everyone.
When I was younger, I was bubbly and eccentric and I loved meeting new people and introducing myself. It gave me the chance to find out so much about people and also to find friends that shared my interests. However, when I reached aged 13 and I hit a very low and dark period of my life, I realise that I lost a little bit of my personality and I want to tell you that this is normal and it won’t last forever.
I admit, there are a lot of aspects of my personality back in high school that I wouldn’t dream of having now. I have grown and learned and I am grateful for that. I’m no longer as ignorant with my words and when I do make a mistake I always want to make sure I own up to it and apologise. I would also never intentionally hurt anyone and for this reason, I don’t blame anyone for what went on in my life when I was 13. After all, we were all 13 and we have all grown up now. I do blame myself for letting my personality fade away though.
Society makes us feel like we have to act a certain way and I pride myself in the fact that when I was in first and second year of high school, I didn’t care what anyone thought of me or what ‘clique’ I was supposed to be in. I didn’t agree with the social divide between the ‘popular’ kids and the ‘weird’ (I put weird in quotation marks because I in no way, shape or form agree with this term because what is normal?) ones and though I made some mistakes and judged people that I shouldn’t have, I always tried my best to make everyone feel included. And I still try to do this in my everyday life now.
When I moved schools in third year, I stopped going to choir on a Thursday night where my grandpa would drop me off and sit in the car reading his newspaper whilst I sang my lungs out to ‘This Little Light of Mine’ in a dusty school hall with some amazing and overwhelmingly talented people. This was the point that I completely forgot who I was and what I enjoyed. I was scared to start a blog because I didn’t want everyone to mock me and I didn’t want to be deemed ‘weird’ in a new environment. I said a lot of things about people that I wish I hadn’t in the hope that maybe it would give me something to talk about. This was wrong and this was the worst version of myself. So I shut up. I went quiet and I stopped passing judgement. But being too loud is thought badly of and being too quiet is thought badly of. So what do you do? I know what I did.
DISCLAIMER: my boyfriend edited this and was confused because I told him it would be uplifting, bear with me I swear it gets positive!!!!
I sunk into a pit of depression because I didn’t fit in and I didn’t know how to get out of situations that were toxic. I spent all my time in my biology classes because at least I had something in common with my teachers and I wasn’t thought of as being ‘weird’.
But you know what? When I eventually realised how stupid I was being and how much I had to stop caring, I found that the people that the ‘cool’ and the ‘popular’ kids deemed ‘weird’ were some of the most amazing people I have ever met and have gone on to do amazing things and are thriving because they know what they love and they don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. Why didn’t I do that?
Eventually I did. I found myself, I loved learning so I worked hard and I loved taking photos so I made sure to snap any moment I might want to remember and I loved wearing bright pink fluffy coats and plastering my walls with posters. I got a lot of shit for it and people didn’t like it but I realised noone likes anything in high school, you can’t please anyone. Be loud without being nasty, be quiet without being nasty, be whoever it is you want to be and you will attract the right people into your life.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I might have lost who I am along the road but I know how to get back there now. Something has clicked in my brain and this blog has given me some kind of platform to talk about it. This is for anyone who is a little lost, or thinks they are a little ‘weird’: you are wonderful and it’s time to stop letting other people depict what we do or say in our lives.
Love you all,